


Eggs

by Misfiringneurons



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: BJ POV, Compulsory Heterosexuality, Falling In Love, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, bj is gay and dosent want to be ok work!, complicated lavender marriages, gay sex mention, mentions of fertility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:53:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26257441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misfiringneurons/pseuds/Misfiringneurons
Summary: Listen. I just had this thought about eggs representing fertility/morning-after sex eggs/ cooking your lover eggs/ the complicated relationship gay people have with fertility and having children/ the complicated relationship HAWKEYE PIERCE has with children/ and BJ and Hawkeye in general, so, this is what came of it.
Relationships: B. J. Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Comments: 1
Kudos: 33





	Eggs

BJ wondered if Hawkeye always sniffed his food before eating like he does in Korea, in the mess tent, in the Army. He wondered if, when he was given real eggs, real potatoes, well-cooked meat and vegetables, he sniffed them and that’s why he had that slightly annoying habit. He wondered if, back in the States, he would put the food he doesn't want on BJ’s plate? Would he eat the food off of BJ’s plate? Would he eat the food BJ made for him?   
Thinking about feeding Hawkeye real food, back home, in a warm, dry place where they could be alone made BJ’s heart pound. He wanted to nourish Hawkeye, he wanted to know him wet from a long warm shower instead of a cold, short one. He wanted to feel his heartbeat going at a normal rate for an adult man, not at the panicked 100+ BPM it usually went at. He wanted to crack him a real egg, cook it and feed it to him.   
Eggs. A symbol of fertility, or infertility as it was.   
Hawkeye regularly joked about being pregnant, and in their most intimate of moments Hawkeye would press his sweaty forehead against BJ’s and do a little bit more than suggest BJ should put him in that condition.   
The fertilization never worked of course.   
(why else were men the “safe” sex choice in the army)  
Eggs, a symbol of infertility.   
Eggs, the official breakfast of the morning after.   
Wasted sperm and in return, wasted eggs.  
Fake army eggs for a fake army love affair.   
Well, the eggs weren’t fake, just powdered. The army love affair wasn’t fake either, it was just strictly an army-issued coping mechanism for loneliness that could never be spoken of or continue past the service.   
After the war, BJ would go home to his real-life wife with real-life eggs in her womb and his real-life child, real love, real fertility. Real love. He felt real love for them.   
Why did this feel as real as the love he had for them?   
Hawkeye, the self-deprecating fruitcake he was, also liked to joke that he was BJ’s stand-in wife.   
BJ only wished he had the courage to express that he loved him as his own person, he loved him as Hawkeye, distinct from the love he had for his wife. It was a deep, heart-string pulling love that left him gasping for air in the middle of the night. He cared about Hawkeye like he cared about his wife, but he also loved Hawkeye. He was in love with Hawkeye.   
What an invalid, waste, of love.   
What a waste of feelings.   
What an unproductive thing to do; love the wrong someone in the wrong way, far from home in a place he’d only be temporarily. He thought that he was finished with this phase, he thought he had got this out of his system when he was younger, In high school, in college, and he was so angry that he didn’t. That it seemed like he never could.   
He felt sometimes that he hated Hawkeye. He hated that he loved him. He hated that Hawkeye probably didn’t feel the same way; he was just acting like he did. He hated that he was just the replacement of “Trapper” and Hawkeye probably loved him more. Hawkeye could probably even be on the straight path if he wanted, he got lucky with nurses and could probably be completely fulfilled with women.   
BJ loved his wife, and his wife loved him. They were best friends but what made them such good friends is that they were two of a kind- Peg couldn’t be completely fulfilled with a man. BJ gave her the space to be unfulfilled with him but try her best to. Peg gave him the space to be unfulfilled with her but try his best to. They had the agreement that they loved each other and could protect each other.   
BJ just wished he really could be fulfilled by her, he wished she could bring him that passion that a man could give him, he wished he could fill the role of the father and husband and really put his whole entire heart into it. He wanted that more than anything. He knew he was being a jerk when he was jealous of other men helping Peg, but he was her man. Her protection from gossip and questioning of status, he felt relieved when she would seek the love and desire of other women because he loved to see her explore that part of herself, he wanted her to be happy, but he needed to be her man.   
He also needed to be Hawkeye’s. He wanted so badly for this to be a real, unwasted, productive love. A love that was fertile and blossomed and grew. A love that lasted long enough that BJ could make real eggs for him.


End file.
